Mothering, Labels, Guilt, Exhaustion and Postpartum Anxiety, Part 3 The Journey of Recovery and Some Thoughts About God's Grace!

This is Part 3 of a 3 Part series.  
You can read the other parts by clicking on the links below.
Part 1
Part 2
** This has not been easy for me to write. It took many hours and an extra set of eyes to proofread. However, I wanted to put it out there because if it helps one person, then it has done its job.**


It took a little over 6 months of me actually learning and implementing these skills before I finally started to feel whole again. I felt it coming little by little. One day, when Anna was 19 months and 2 weeks old, I woke up and I felt WELL!!

For the first time in over 2 years, I felt whole. I felt normal! 

I finally knew what it was like to feel rested, relaxed and at peace.

Anna is almost 23 months old now. My year of being boring is almost complete.

Do I plan to go back to being Super Mom? 

 No. She is dead. I can't be that person anymore. I will not wear the labels, chase the perfection or give into the guilt. It is a part of who I was, not who I am or who I am going to be in the future.

Do I plan to go back to any of my old ways?

 Maybe a little. We signed up for co-op this year. But I was open and honest with the leaders about my health. They have been very receptive and offered me a position that allows me to fulfill my duties without over doing.


I volunteered at VBS this year, but that is it. I did my one thing to help at church. It was all I had in me to give.

We use paper plates a lot. 

I bake when I want to. Not because I 'Must"
 

I am learning to say no and how to admit when I have gone too far.

Just today I had to call a dear friend and cancel our plans because I was out of spoons. I was done, I was exhausted. I do not like that feeling anymore. Once you come back from being exhausted all the time, you know what it feels like to be rested, whole and well. You are much less tolerant of that feeling. I only allow myself to feel that way for a day, at most. Then I instantly know it is time to reevaluate my schedule and life. I put on the brakes. I say no, cancel plans and circle the wagons. 

As much as I miss being annoyingly fit and running a lot, I have accepted that I may never be there again. Or at least not for a long time. Life with younger kids is a season, and I have been learning to embrace all of the seasons. I have slowly started to exercise again. Walking and very small amounts of strength training. I also hula hoop, because it is something that I love.


I am glad God allowed me to go through all of this. I learned a lot in the last 2 years. It also has given me a heart and a passion for new mothers and their struggles.

It has given me a new outlook on life.  

I have stepped off that merry-go-round, turned never ending roller coaster. I can stand on the outside and see people going by on it. I see it for what it is now. It is a trap of never ending guilt, perfection, labels, and ultimately it can end in some very dark places.

I do have to admit that I am still learning to become immune to the darts and daggers thrown from people still riding the roller coaster. I have heard "It must be nice to take a nap" "I must be nice to not be called to volunteer." "It must be nice to be ok with feeding your baby formula."

Yes, those are actually words I have heard. But I find it funny the correlation between the lists of "Musts" and the "It must be nice" comments I hear now. I am able to take a step back now and see the exhaustion on their faces. I can hear the guilt and see the struggle.

 I can feel the wind from their roller coaster as it blows by.

 Yes! It IS nice to replace my guilt and imperfection with God's grace. I think I am done riding that Roller Coaster. Even though it does occasionally look like 'fun' and I am tempted to step back on. Just for a little ride? However, I know where that ends for me.

Am I all better and will I never get sick again?

I don't know. I struggled with the fear of that for a time. I have since let go and left it with God. I am here and healthy. I do have to be sure to take care of myself. I do believe that the postpartum issue has healed. That is gone. 

 However, I think I am still dealing with the damage that I caused to my body for not caring for myself those four years before Anna was born and afterwards, when I ignored the anxiety for so long.

 I do believe that I will continue to heal and be able to handle more from life as Anna ages and I continue to practice proper self care and let my body to continue to heal. I had ran my body into the ground. It doesn't bounce back in a month or six months.

It can take years, and I'm ok with that.  

I will continue to rest in God's grace and do the best that I can do with only what He has called me to do.

~Lyndsay

**If you are a new mother struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, please seek help! You do not have to suffer. It is ok to not be ok.** 

*** If you are a Mom riding that roller coaster of guilt and perfection. It is ok to step off and land in the arms of God's grace. It is a free gift that he offers to everyone.***

Mothering, Labels, Guilt, Exhaustion and Postpartum Anxiety, Part 2 Super Mom is Dead and Why My Husband is Amazing

 This is part 2 of a 3 part series.
You can read the other parts by clicking on the links below.
Part 1
Part 3 

** This has not been easy for me to write. It took many hours and an extra set of eyes to proofread. However, I wanted to put it out there because if it helps one person, then it has done its job.** 

 Finally in August, Dustin said I needed to consider the possibility that this was all combined and related. We needed to start over at square one.

 So, less than a month before Anna turned 1, I went to see my OB.

 I told her everything. She immediately started me on an anti depressant. This was also hard for me. Because this entire time I had not had any depression. I did not have baby blues, or bad thoughts, none of that. Maybe if I had, I would have ended up seeking help sooner. Maybe not. I don't know.
(Apparently, If you leave postpartum anxiety and hormone imbalances unchecked, it can cause ALL of the symptoms I had been having.)

 Either way, I was on the medicine and some of my issues did immediately start to get better. Within a month my food issues had gone away. I could eat vegetables again, the hives went away, the constant anxiety had backed way down. Things were getting better. At least, to a degree.

But, I still wasn't resting. I was too busy for that. The medicine was going to have to do the fixing. I was helping at church, we were doing sports, homeschool co-op and all the things 'Super Mom' did.
About six weeks after being on one medicine. I had an allergic reaction to it. I was a mess and spiraling. I didn't know what to do.

 That is when my husband stepped in. He shut my life down.
 To Clarify, he is not controlling. He did what any good husband should do.  

He literally told me I was to be boring. For one entire year!
No more volunteering, no helping at church, no Co-op, nothing! I had to actually rest. Something I despised, with a passion! 
 I slightly resented him for all of this.  Although, I knew he was right.

 Something had to change, and it had to be me. 

 I had to learn how to truly rest and take care of myself. Also, by taking care of myself, I do not mean learning how to eat right, exercise etc. I had that stuff down pat! I was a master at weight loss, food restriction and pushing forward. 

'Caffeine up!' was my war cry!

What I wasn't good at or hadn't taken the time to learn was how to actually take care of myself.

 How to rest, relax, and just let my body heal. That was a whole new concept and a skill that needed to be learned. I'm still learning it. It is not an easy habit to keep. At least not for me.

In the midst of my beloved husband "grounding me"(as we have come to jokingly call it) The Dr has put me on a second anti depressant. Six weeks into it. I had another allergic reaction. That was on Christmas Day. He took me off of all meds cold turkey.

In case anyone ever wanted to know...cold turkey withdrawals from anti depressants are the real deal. Something I never want to experience again!

I tried a few other recommended things to help regulate my hormones after that. One of which contributed to me gaining 25 lbs in 2.5 months.

My husband stuck with me through all of this mess. Any time I would forget and start to do too much and my body would get stressed, he would lovingly shut me down again. I am a bit hard headed and it takes me a long time to learn some concepts!

I also learned in the midst of this, that any exercise other than walking would instantly put my body into over-stressed mode. Which was really hard for me because, I love to exercise!

I learned some really tough lessons about myself in the midst of all of this...

I learned how to let go of my self imposed labels, as well as the ones that other people have placed on me.

I have learned how to truly relax and rest, so my body can heal.

I have relearned what feeling rested actually feels like!

The Lord has placed some really truly amazing and supportive friends in my path. They have not judged. They actually came down to where I was and helped to lift and build me up. They taught me some amazing self care skills. One even taught me the importance of napping, every single day. A concept that seemed so bazaar to me at first.

I am learning to let the perfection and the guilt go.

I have learned to rely more on my husband and what it really means to have a community of friends and family (blood related or not)

I learned about the Spoon Theory and how it really truly related to my life. This actually helped me a lot.

This article on cumulative stress was a real eye opener as well.

I learned to read my bible more and to rest in God for strength and answers.

 I have also learned that if I am doing just what God called me to do. I stay healthy. If I start to over reach and add onto what He called me to do, my health goes down hill fast. 
At first I resented this and was so upset and felt like a failure and 'less than'. I was angry with myself for not rising up to my own standards. I pushed against this for a long time.

 Now, I am realizing that God did not call me to do all of that! He called me to be a mother and wife. All of the rest, is just extra. Extra, that I am not called to do. 

 I now look at the little signs that I have done too much as a reminder that I probably wasn't called to do that particular thing, and I need to reevaluate things.

 I also learned how to let my children help.

 I had a lot of guilt over my short comings of mothering Anna. Then I realized that she has an entire houseful of siblings who adore her and love to help care for her. It was hard to relinquish some of her care to them. But they willingly stepped up and helped. 

They wanted our family to be whole and well again, just as much as Dustin and I did.
(I do still struggle with the fact that I have almost no memory of Anna's first year. Thankfully we did a lot of vlogging, and took a ton of pictures. Plus I have the children and Dustin to remind me of all the good stuff that happened. Even if I can't remember it.
I'm learning to be ok with not remembering that season of life. Maybe eventually it will come back to me. I do occasionally get this random flood of memories from her first year. It comes in a rush all at once.)
It took a little over 6 months of me actually learning and implementing these skills before I finally started to feel whole again. I felt it coming little by little. Then one day, when Anna was 19 months and 2 weeks old, I woke up and I felt WELL!!

Thank you for reading; Part 3 will be released next Monday.

~Lyndsay

Mothering, Labels, Guilt, Exhaustion and Postpartum Anxiety Disorder, Part 1 Hop on the Merry-Go-Round

Part One: Hop on the Merry-Go-Round!

This is Part 1 of a 3 Part series.
 Part 2
 Part 3

** This has not been easy for me to write. It took many hours and an extra set of eyes to proofread. However, I wanted to put it out there because if it helps one person, then it has done its job.**

 I've been a mother for 12 years now. The first 10 of those years were spent going full speed ahead.

Stress, perfection and guilt were my main focus.

(For myself, not my children)

I grew up in a rather odd situation that was very heavy onto the guilt and perfection side. I watched it, I was taught it, I lived it, I became it. That ole family tree is hard to change.

I guess I can't blame myself for trying to be and do it all. Most of us mothers do. There are books and websites dedicated to the perpetuation and inevitable recovery of it. It is even the main theme to many, many movies. What once was the rare mother who felt the need to seek motherly perfection, has now become a pandemic of exhausted, malicious, scared and labeled women.

The Labels

The Labels are so much of a part of life now that it is who you are. You either pick your label and live up to it every moment, or they pick the label for you and you live the rest of your life/parenting career trying to fix it.

It is like a merry-go-round that we hop onto at the beginning of parenting and it seems fun. Then that merry-go-round turns into a hellish roller coaster ride that never ends.

While I could go on and on about labels, mommy wars, the perfect Proverbs 31 woman, everything wrong with all of that mind set. I'm not. At least not today.

Today I'm going to talk to you about ME, and how I fell apart after Anna was born. How my labels almost did me in. How Mommy perfection made me crumble. How exhaustion, guilt and anxiety made my body shut completely down.

The four years between Addison and Anna were very busy years. I was deep in the Mommy guilt, perfection land, which came along with many, many  "Musts".

The house Must be clean, always. We must make Mary and Martha proud.

The Children Must be well behaved (Because bad behavior is a reflection on my mothering skills.) The budget Must be perfect

The meals Must be healthy and have the most current popular label (Dairy free, gluten free, vegetarian, low carb, etc)

The detergent and all cleaning products Must be homemade.

As well as the bread, yogurts etc.

I Must lose 100 lbs

I Must be fit, modest, beautiful, capable....

I Must be a natural birth, cloth diaper, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping...mother. Any less might have been fine for some, but not for me.

I Must be a stay at home Mom but also work on the side helping the husband build our business.

Rest was for lazy people.  

The list went on and on..and once you picked up one 'Must" you couldn't drop it again. That was failure and I wasn't a quitter.
  (I also didn't ask my husband for help. He worked two jobs, One was nights..and I just did it myself. Asking for help meant I was failing and couldn't maintain my responsibilities. (I feel the need to mention that this was self-imposed, not from my husband.)

I managed to maintain most of that for a while. I Lost 91 lbs, became annoyingly fit, the house was clean, the bread was fresh, the kids were shiny and bright, Dustin quit his job and worked from home, we bought this house and started renovating on the side, all while homeschooling and maintaining EVERYTHING.

I can remember the exhaustion of early motherhood setting in when the oldest two were young. I learned to ignore it and medicate it with caffeine. You learn to adjust and just keep moving forward. You assume that the exhaustion is just a part of life. You can sleep when you die, rest is for quitters.

When I became pregnant with Anna I figured it was great. I can totally maintain all of that and do it bigger and better this time. While my pregnancy with her was the least high risk of them all.I still struggled and was frustrated that my body wasn't keeping up with my standards.

After I had Anna, (natural labor, of course) and it was a rather 'fast and violent' delivery. (The Dr's words, not mine. Looking back. I would agree.) I expected to just bounce back. I had this. I was Super Mom. Then things started to not go as I had planned.

Anna was not able to nurse. I ended up pumping full time and supplementing with donor milk and then eventually formula. This was a huge blow for me. I had nursed the first three and had built quite a tall pedestal for myself. Giving her formula and admitting that I couldn't do it, was REALLY hard.

I also decided that we didn't really need a break from school, ever. Especially after a baby. I was already sitting rocking a baby, We might as well be learning, RIGHT?! Sure!

This was also while Emma was at the height of her sickness and was up most nights coughing and unable to breathe.

I had Anna in September. In October a drunk driver crashed into our yard while the kids were outside playing. I had been having some anxiety after Anna was born. The drunk driving incident pushing my body over the edge.

It turned into full blown anxiety every single day. It wasn't something I was doing by worrying about things. I would just wake up every single morning feeling like I was having a panic attack. I did what any mother of the 21st century would do... I ignored it. Ate healthier, worked out. and just pretended it wasn't there. It would go away; it had to.

I'm sure you can imagine how that went. LOL

Surprisingly...I managed to keep it from my husband and most people who knew me. I really did think that it would eventually get better. I just had to keep doing the right stuff and moving forward. But no resting; that was for quitters. I could fix this with vitamins, vegetables, and staying really busy.

Looking back now..I really was being dumb. I was drowning on the inside, but convinced it would get better. I just had to try harder. *Facepalm* Life could not stop because of me. That was nonsense. I had people to raise and to care for.

In February all four of the kids had been sick off and on for months. I kid you not, one child fell sick during Thanksgiving and everyone was sick in cycles from there on out...if not everyone all at once.
 (Emma was still very, very sick. Scary sick, and we had no answers. We didn't begin to be able to find help for her until March.)  

That night in February, all of the girls were sick. Sleeping in the living room. I slept on the floor and made my rounds with the nebulizer. I hadn't actually slept in days. At 3 am, I did something I never do. I woke up my husband. He got up to help me. I can remember telling him how much I needed help. He thought I meant with the girls, which I did..but not completely. I was crying out for help. I was suffocating on the inside. I needed help, any help. I was drowning. But since I hadn't really mentioned all of my issues to him, he didn't fully understand. This was the beginning of me telling him how sick I was feeling.

After that night he did help to make sure I was getting more sleep and taking it a little easier.

But I didn't really do that. I was still just ignoring and trying to just keep moving.

Sometime after February, In April (I think. It is all a little fuzzy now. I cannot remember much at all from Anna's first year. That is hard for me to admit and accept.) My body started to deteriorate. Things started to go wrong. My hair was falling out. I was breaking out in hives, had constant diarrhea(For over 6 months straight), my stomach was always upset,  I started having allergic reaction-type episodes after eating vegetables, fruits and nuts, I was still having the anxiety, always feeling in a state of panic and my body was a constant mess of tension...never able to relax.

Then in one day in early June my throat shut down. I could still breathe, but I could not swallow. My throat muscles had clamped shut.  We didn't know what was going on. I thought it was an allergic reaction. We called 911. That was the first of two squad rides.

After that first squad ride...multiple dr visits, specialists, tests and medications followed. They said words like Thyroid Cancer, Oral Allergy Syndrome. An Epi-pen was my new constant companion. They never could give me answers, not conclusive ones..and it started to make me feel like I was losing my mind..but I never did manage to connect the anxiety with all of the other physical symptoms. I was living on chicken and rice, to avoid any trigger foods. Even with avoiding the trigger foods, I was still having all of the physical symptoms, including the throat tightening. I couldn’t even peel potatoes or be in the room when Dustin cut open a watermelon.

Finally in August, Dustin said I needed to consider the possibility that this was all combined and related and that we needed to start over at square one.

Thank you for reading; Part 2 will be released next Monday.

~Lyndsay