This is Part 3 of a 3 Part series.
You can read the other parts by clicking on the links below.
Part 1
Part 2
**
This has not been easy for me to write. It took many hours and an extra
set of eyes to proofread. However, I wanted to put it out there because
if it helps one person, then it has done its job.**
It took a little over 6 months of me actually learning and
implementing these skills before I finally started to feel whole again. I
felt it coming little by little. One day, when Anna was 19 months and 2
weeks old, I woke up and I felt WELL!!
For the first time in over 2
years, I felt whole. I felt normal!
I finally knew what it was like to feel
rested, relaxed and at peace.
Anna is almost 23 months old now. My year of being boring is almost complete.
Do
I plan to go back to being Super Mom?
No. She is dead. I can't be
that person anymore. I will not wear the labels, chase the perfection
or give into the guilt. It is a part of who I was, not who I am or who I
am going to be in the future.
Do I plan to go back to
any of my old ways?
Maybe a little. We signed up for co-op this year.
But I was open and honest with the leaders about my health. They have
been very receptive and offered me a position that allows me to fulfill
my duties without over doing.
I volunteered at VBS this year, but that is it. I did my one thing to help at church. It was all I had in me to give.
We use paper plates a lot.
I bake when I want to. Not because I 'Must"
I
am learning to say no and how to admit when I have gone too far.
Just
today I had to call a dear friend and cancel our plans because I was out of spoons.
I was done, I was exhausted. I do not like that feeling anymore. Once
you come back from being exhausted all the time, you know what it
feels like to be rested, whole and well. You are much less tolerant of
that feeling. I only allow myself to feel that way for a day, at
most. Then I instantly know it is time to reevaluate my schedule and
life. I put on the brakes. I say no, cancel plans and circle the
wagons.
As much as I miss being annoyingly fit and
running a lot, I have accepted that I may never be there again. Or at
least not for a long time. Life with younger kids is a season, and I
have been learning to embrace all of the seasons. I have slowly started to exercise again. Walking and very small
amounts of strength training. I also hula hoop, because it is something
that I love.
I
am glad God allowed me to go through all of this. I learned a lot in
the last 2 years. It also has given me a heart and a passion for new
mothers and their struggles.
It has given me a new
outlook on life.
I have stepped off that merry-go-round, turned never
ending roller coaster. I can stand on the outside and see people going by on it. I see it for what it is now. It is a trap of
never ending guilt, perfection, labels, and ultimately it can end in
some very dark places.
I do have to admit that I am still
learning to become immune to the darts and daggers thrown from
people still riding the roller coaster. I have heard "It must be nice to
take a nap" "I must be nice to not be called to volunteer." "It must be
nice to be ok with feeding your baby formula."
Yes, those are
actually words I have heard. But I find it funny the correlation between
the lists of "Musts" and the "It must be nice" comments I hear now. I
am able to take a step back now and see the exhaustion on their faces. I can hear the guilt and see the struggle.
I can feel the wind from
their roller coaster as it blows by.
Yes! It IS nice to replace my guilt and imperfection with God's grace. I think I
am done riding that Roller Coaster. Even though it does occasionally
look like 'fun' and I am tempted to step back on. Just for a little
ride? However, I know where that ends for me.
Am I all better and will I never get sick again?
I
don't know. I struggled with the fear of that for a time. I have
since let go and left it with God. I am here and healthy. I do have to
be sure to take care of myself. I do believe that the postpartum issue
has healed. That is gone.
However, I think I am still dealing with the
damage that I caused to my body for not caring for myself those four
years before Anna was born and afterwards, when I ignored the anxiety
for so long.
I do believe that I will continue
to heal and be able to handle more from life as Anna ages and I
continue to practice proper self care and let my body to continue to
heal. I had ran my body into the ground. It doesn't bounce back in a
month or six months.
It can take years, and I'm ok with that.
I will continue to rest in God's grace and do the best that I can do with only what He has called me to do.
~Lyndsay
**If you are a new mother struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, please seek help! You do not have to suffer. It is ok to not be ok.**
*** If you are a Mom riding that roller coaster of guilt and perfection. It is ok to step off and land in the arms of God's grace. It is a free gift that he offers to everyone.***
So glad you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself - because that is the biggest MUST of all!
ReplyDelete