You can read the other parts by clicking on the links below.
Part 1
Part 3
**
This has not been easy for me to write. It took many hours and an extra
set of eyes to proofread. However, I wanted to put it out there because
if it helps one person, then it has done its job.**
Finally in August, Dustin said I needed to consider the possibility that this was all combined and related. We needed to start over at square one.
So, less than a month before Anna turned 1, I went to see my OB.
I told her everything. She immediately started me on an anti depressant. This was also hard for me. Because this entire time I had not had any depression. I did not have baby blues, or bad thoughts, none of that. Maybe if I had, I would have ended up seeking help sooner. Maybe not. I don't know.
(Apparently, If you leave postpartum anxiety and hormone imbalances unchecked, it can cause ALL of the symptoms I had been having.)
Either way, I was on the medicine and some of my issues did immediately start to get better. Within a month my food issues had gone away. I could eat vegetables again, the hives went away, the constant anxiety had backed way down. Things were getting better. At least, to a degree.
But, I still wasn't resting. I was too busy for that. The medicine was going to have to do the fixing. I was helping at church, we were doing sports, homeschool co-op and all the things 'Super Mom' did.
About six weeks after being on one medicine. I had an allergic reaction to it. I was a mess and spiraling. I didn't know what to do.
That is when my husband stepped in. He shut my life down.
To Clarify, he is not controlling. He did what any good husband should do.
He literally told me I was to be boring. For one entire year!
No more volunteering, no helping at church, no Co-op, nothing! I had to actually rest. Something I despised, with a passion!
I slightly resented him for all of this. Although, I knew he was right.
Something had to change, and it had to be me.
I had to learn how to truly rest and take care of myself. Also, by taking care of myself, I do not mean learning how to eat right, exercise etc. I had that stuff down pat! I was a master at weight loss, food restriction and pushing forward.
'Caffeine up!' was my war cry!
What I wasn't good at or hadn't taken the time to learn was how to actually take care of myself.
How to rest, relax, and just let my body heal. That was a whole new concept and a skill that needed to be learned. I'm still learning it. It is not an easy habit to keep. At least not for me.
In the midst of my beloved husband "grounding me"(as we have come to jokingly call it) The Dr has put me on a second anti depressant. Six weeks into it. I had another allergic reaction. That was on Christmas Day. He took me off of all meds cold turkey.
In case anyone ever wanted to know...cold turkey withdrawals from anti depressants are the real deal. Something I never want to experience again!
I tried a few other recommended things to help regulate my hormones after that. One of which contributed to me gaining 25 lbs in 2.5 months.
My husband stuck with me through all of this mess. Any time I would forget and start to do too much and my body would get stressed, he would lovingly shut me down again. I am a bit hard headed and it takes me a long time to learn some concepts!
I also learned in the midst of this, that any exercise other than walking would instantly put my body into over-stressed mode. Which was really hard for me because, I love to exercise!
I learned some really tough lessons about myself in the midst of all of this...
I learned how to let go of my self imposed labels, as well as the ones that other people have placed on me.
I have learned how to truly relax and rest, so my body can heal.
I have relearned what feeling rested actually feels like!
The Lord has placed some really truly amazing and supportive friends in my path. They have not judged. They actually came down to where I was and helped to lift and build me up. They taught me some amazing self care skills. One even taught me the importance of napping, every single day. A concept that seemed so bazaar to me at first.
I am learning to let the perfection and the guilt go.
I have learned to rely more on my husband and what it really means to have a community of friends and family (blood related or not)
I learned about the Spoon Theory and how it really truly related to my life. This actually helped me a lot.
This article on cumulative stress was a real eye opener as well.
I learned to read my bible more and to rest in God for strength and answers.
I have also learned that if I am doing just what God called me to do. I stay healthy. If I start to over reach and add onto what He called me to do, my health goes down hill fast.
At first I resented this and was so upset and felt like a failure and 'less than'. I was angry with myself for not rising up to my own standards. I pushed against this for a long time.
Now, I am realizing that God did not call me to do all of that! He called me to be a mother and wife. All of the rest, is just extra. Extra, that I am not called to do.
I now look at the little signs that I have done too much as a reminder that I probably wasn't called to do that particular thing, and I need to reevaluate things.
I also learned how to let my children help.
I had a lot of guilt over my short comings of mothering Anna. Then I realized that she has an entire houseful of siblings who adore her and love to help care for her. It was hard to relinquish some of her care to them. But they willingly stepped up and helped.
They wanted our family to be whole and well again, just as much as Dustin and I did.
(I do still struggle with the fact that I have almost no memory of Anna's first year. Thankfully we did a lot of vlogging, and took a ton of pictures. Plus I have the children and Dustin to remind me of all the good stuff that happened. Even if I can't remember it.
I'm learning to be ok with not remembering that season of life. Maybe eventually it will come back to me. I do occasionally get this random flood of memories from her first year. It comes in a rush all at once.)
It took a little over 6 months of me actually learning and implementing these skills before I finally started to feel whole again. I felt it coming little by little. Then one day, when Anna was 19 months and 2 weeks old, I woke up and I felt WELL!!
Thank you for reading; Part 3 will be released next Monday.
~Lyndsay
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