Mothering, Labels, Guilt, Exhaustion and Postpartum Anxiety, Part 3 The Journey of Recovery and Some Thoughts About God's Grace!

This is Part 3 of a 3 Part series.  
You can read the other parts by clicking on the links below.
Part 1
Part 2
** This has not been easy for me to write. It took many hours and an extra set of eyes to proofread. However, I wanted to put it out there because if it helps one person, then it has done its job.**


It took a little over 6 months of me actually learning and implementing these skills before I finally started to feel whole again. I felt it coming little by little. One day, when Anna was 19 months and 2 weeks old, I woke up and I felt WELL!!

For the first time in over 2 years, I felt whole. I felt normal! 

I finally knew what it was like to feel rested, relaxed and at peace.

Anna is almost 23 months old now. My year of being boring is almost complete.

Do I plan to go back to being Super Mom? 

 No. She is dead. I can't be that person anymore. I will not wear the labels, chase the perfection or give into the guilt. It is a part of who I was, not who I am or who I am going to be in the future.

Do I plan to go back to any of my old ways?

 Maybe a little. We signed up for co-op this year. But I was open and honest with the leaders about my health. They have been very receptive and offered me a position that allows me to fulfill my duties without over doing.


I volunteered at VBS this year, but that is it. I did my one thing to help at church. It was all I had in me to give.

We use paper plates a lot. 

I bake when I want to. Not because I 'Must"
 

I am learning to say no and how to admit when I have gone too far.

Just today I had to call a dear friend and cancel our plans because I was out of spoons. I was done, I was exhausted. I do not like that feeling anymore. Once you come back from being exhausted all the time, you know what it feels like to be rested, whole and well. You are much less tolerant of that feeling. I only allow myself to feel that way for a day, at most. Then I instantly know it is time to reevaluate my schedule and life. I put on the brakes. I say no, cancel plans and circle the wagons. 

As much as I miss being annoyingly fit and running a lot, I have accepted that I may never be there again. Or at least not for a long time. Life with younger kids is a season, and I have been learning to embrace all of the seasons. I have slowly started to exercise again. Walking and very small amounts of strength training. I also hula hoop, because it is something that I love.


I am glad God allowed me to go through all of this. I learned a lot in the last 2 years. It also has given me a heart and a passion for new mothers and their struggles.

It has given me a new outlook on life.  

I have stepped off that merry-go-round, turned never ending roller coaster. I can stand on the outside and see people going by on it. I see it for what it is now. It is a trap of never ending guilt, perfection, labels, and ultimately it can end in some very dark places.

I do have to admit that I am still learning to become immune to the darts and daggers thrown from people still riding the roller coaster. I have heard "It must be nice to take a nap" "I must be nice to not be called to volunteer." "It must be nice to be ok with feeding your baby formula."

Yes, those are actually words I have heard. But I find it funny the correlation between the lists of "Musts" and the "It must be nice" comments I hear now. I am able to take a step back now and see the exhaustion on their faces. I can hear the guilt and see the struggle.

 I can feel the wind from their roller coaster as it blows by.

 Yes! It IS nice to replace my guilt and imperfection with God's grace. I think I am done riding that Roller Coaster. Even though it does occasionally look like 'fun' and I am tempted to step back on. Just for a little ride? However, I know where that ends for me.

Am I all better and will I never get sick again?

I don't know. I struggled with the fear of that for a time. I have since let go and left it with God. I am here and healthy. I do have to be sure to take care of myself. I do believe that the postpartum issue has healed. That is gone. 

 However, I think I am still dealing with the damage that I caused to my body for not caring for myself those four years before Anna was born and afterwards, when I ignored the anxiety for so long.

 I do believe that I will continue to heal and be able to handle more from life as Anna ages and I continue to practice proper self care and let my body to continue to heal. I had ran my body into the ground. It doesn't bounce back in a month or six months.

It can take years, and I'm ok with that.  

I will continue to rest in God's grace and do the best that I can do with only what He has called me to do.

~Lyndsay

**If you are a new mother struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, please seek help! You do not have to suffer. It is ok to not be ok.** 

*** If you are a Mom riding that roller coaster of guilt and perfection. It is ok to step off and land in the arms of God's grace. It is a free gift that he offers to everyone.***

7 Quick Takes! A Recap of Life in the Tiny House This Week! Tiny House Before and Afters, Minimalism Meltdown and A Little Math Humor!

1. Three years

Last month officially marked three years of us living in our tiny cottage in the woods. The kitchen is almost finished. Waiting on hubby to finish up a few minor details. Then post for it will be going up. This time of year always makes me curious to go back and look at what it used to look like around here. Are you ready to be blown away?

Here is a before and after and a couple of during photos.

This is now our dining/living

This is now the kitchen/bath

Before we started to rebuild

Before and after

After the front porch was finished

 I'm planning a room by room tour with before and after pics for everyone. There will also be videos, because some of the rooms are hard to take pictures of. A typical issue with really small houses. :)

 Looking back I can't believe we lived here through most of the renovation...or that we did almost all of it ourselves. Many prayers went up during this process. This house was a God given blessing that required a lot of elbow grease and lots of literal blood, sweat and tears. 

2. Oh the Anxiety!

 Nothing strikes more fear in a homeschooling mom/bloggers heart than a computer technology fail! Our computer has been stricken with viruses twice this year. This is the second total wipe and start over. Praise the Lord for the invention of expansion storage to save all of the school stuff and blogging/vlogging media.



The patient seems to have survived. This post is being typed on it.


3. Pumpkin carving and the great pumpkin walk!

 We went to a local pumpkin walk. They let kids come and carve pumpkins during the day, and then in the evening you get to walk through all the lighted pumpkins that are lined out through a field. The cool part to this is the fact that you get to walk through some Native American mounds that you typically have to walk around the perimeter. They had over 250 pumpkins carved and all aglow along the path. It was really neat to see. (I forgot my phone at home. No pictures.)
The funny part was hearing Anna shout "Pumpkins!!!" every 5 feet! That didn't get old after about 50 pumpkins. Nope, not at all.

We also carved pumpkins over the weekend. I did get to take pictures of that!




 4. Cinnamon sweet potato bites

 A new kid friendly post went up on the blog this week. Cinnamon sweet potato bites.
My kids love them. However, a friend told me she tried it but swapped out the sweet potato for butter nut squash. (Something I had also considered trying) Apparently it didn't going over too well. She said one of her children ran to spit it out. Guess I will be crossing that off of the 'recipes to try' list. Thanks for saving me the time S. :)

5. The season of excess has begun!

We all went out to run some errands over the weekend. We went into Menard's to pick up some items for the house and the office. Menard's is already all decked out for Christmas. Not that I am against getting a jump start on holiday shopping. (Some years I try to be finished by Thanksgiving.) I do have to say though that I will never stop being shocked by the excess and even the sheer size of the items that they sell for Christmas. What benefit will anyone ever have from a caterpillar that is over 6 feet long?

*Sigh* **Deep breaths**

My minimalism is showing.

They also had a HUGE gorilla that we thought for sure Anna would love. She is crazy for Curious George. Nope! She CRIED and wouldn't take her suspicious glare off of it until we left the aisle!



6. Odd but delicious

 Last winter our friend Sarah fed us lunch. Sarah has this knack for taking a few simple ingredients and turning it into something absolutely amazing! We decided that we are never quite sure if it is the food or the company that makes the meal so great. Probably both!
 She served us this delicious chicken noodle soup, but it had Ramen noodles(not the seasoning packet) in it. (Hers were the gluten free kind).  She said she had them and just tossed them in.

 Alex has mentioned this soup off and on since January. He has even asked for it to be on the monthly meal plan. I kind of put it off, just because it is simple and we basically always have the ingredients on hand. I think we had it once in the spring.
This week our co-op  was cancelled due to so many people being sick. Well, it turned out to be a blessing. The oldest three came down with something. Cough and cold symptoms with a low grade temp. Nothing major.

It was the perfect day for a pot of soup! I tossed our typical chicken and noodle basics in the pot, but stopped just short of putting the typical egg noddles in. I grabbed some Ramen noodles and tossed those in instead.
It can seem like an odd combination, but it goes over big with the kids. Sarah probably has no idea what she started last winter.

I made 4Qrts of soup and there wasn't a drop left by mid afternoon! Alex is already asking me to make more.

7. Say Perpendicular!

  The weather was so beautiful the last part of this week. It was really hard for some of us all of us to stay focused. We tried to power through and this is where we ended up... In fits of giggles over math terminology. We closed the books and went out to play shortly after I filmed this video. Obviously their brains were done for the day.

Hope you have a beautiful and blessed weekend!

~Lyndsay

Cinnamon Sweet Potato Bites Recipe (Paleo and Gluten Free)

A weather front moved through over the weekend. It appears to have brought fall with it. The wind has shifted. The weather has changed. Yep, winter is on its way. Slowly, but, surely.

 Seems like a good day to tell you about one of our kid friendly, healthy and gluten free (Paleo) recipes. The kids love these Cinnamon Sweet Potato Bites! With the weather cooling and most of the fall crops coming in. It is the perfect time of year to snag some delicious sweet potatoes on sale, or at the farmers market.
 We originally had this recipe at a cousins house. The one who made us try the cabbage soup. Yum! She is quite the chef. :) She made these as a side for one of our girls nights a couple of Octobers ago.

 These are super quick and easy to whip up!

We were at the office for a few minutes this morning. When we came home it was chilly but BEAUTIFUL outside. The kids opted to play outside for a little bit before returning to their school work for the day. (One of the many bonuses of homeschooling.) 

When it was time to make lunch, these were ready in less than 20 minutes. I did not intentionally time it. However, I also had some bacon in the oven with a timer set for 20 minutes. The potatoes were done by the time the bacon came out of the oven.

 Lunch in under 20 minutes?

Yes, please!


This recipe is so simple. It almost doesn't need an ingredient list and instructions. I'm a nice person though. So, here you go. ;)

Cinnamon Sweet Potato Bites

Ingredients

Sweet Potatoes, diced (Use as many as you want. I had 4 or 5 small ones on hand)
Oil  (You can use butter, olive oil, coconut oil)
Ground Cinnamon (I'm not giving you measurements. Seriously, this is just one of those recipes.)
Salt 
 

Wash and dice the sweet potatoes.

 Pre-heat oil in pan. Cook the potatoes over medium to high heat. Moving them around frequently. You cant them golden brown on all sides.

They are done when they look like this. Sprinkle on the cinnamon and salt, to taste.  

We prefer a little more cinnamon than most. It's really up to you.

These are a hit with kids. You could even put a tiny bit of honey on the side for dipping. They are still getting the health benefits from the sweet potatoes as well as the honey. 

They tend to go over fairly well with kids.

You can find another kid friendly recipe here.

 Enjoy!

~Lyndsay

Mothering, Labels, Guilt, Exhaustion and Postpartum Anxiety, Part 2 Super Mom is Dead and Why My Husband is Amazing

 This is part 2 of a 3 part series.
You can read the other parts by clicking on the links below.
Part 1
Part 3 

** This has not been easy for me to write. It took many hours and an extra set of eyes to proofread. However, I wanted to put it out there because if it helps one person, then it has done its job.** 

 Finally in August, Dustin said I needed to consider the possibility that this was all combined and related. We needed to start over at square one.

 So, less than a month before Anna turned 1, I went to see my OB.

 I told her everything. She immediately started me on an anti depressant. This was also hard for me. Because this entire time I had not had any depression. I did not have baby blues, or bad thoughts, none of that. Maybe if I had, I would have ended up seeking help sooner. Maybe not. I don't know.
(Apparently, If you leave postpartum anxiety and hormone imbalances unchecked, it can cause ALL of the symptoms I had been having.)

 Either way, I was on the medicine and some of my issues did immediately start to get better. Within a month my food issues had gone away. I could eat vegetables again, the hives went away, the constant anxiety had backed way down. Things were getting better. At least, to a degree.

But, I still wasn't resting. I was too busy for that. The medicine was going to have to do the fixing. I was helping at church, we were doing sports, homeschool co-op and all the things 'Super Mom' did.
About six weeks after being on one medicine. I had an allergic reaction to it. I was a mess and spiraling. I didn't know what to do.

 That is when my husband stepped in. He shut my life down.
 To Clarify, he is not controlling. He did what any good husband should do.  

He literally told me I was to be boring. For one entire year!
No more volunteering, no helping at church, no Co-op, nothing! I had to actually rest. Something I despised, with a passion! 
 I slightly resented him for all of this.  Although, I knew he was right.

 Something had to change, and it had to be me. 

 I had to learn how to truly rest and take care of myself. Also, by taking care of myself, I do not mean learning how to eat right, exercise etc. I had that stuff down pat! I was a master at weight loss, food restriction and pushing forward. 

'Caffeine up!' was my war cry!

What I wasn't good at or hadn't taken the time to learn was how to actually take care of myself.

 How to rest, relax, and just let my body heal. That was a whole new concept and a skill that needed to be learned. I'm still learning it. It is not an easy habit to keep. At least not for me.

In the midst of my beloved husband "grounding me"(as we have come to jokingly call it) The Dr has put me on a second anti depressant. Six weeks into it. I had another allergic reaction. That was on Christmas Day. He took me off of all meds cold turkey.

In case anyone ever wanted to know...cold turkey withdrawals from anti depressants are the real deal. Something I never want to experience again!

I tried a few other recommended things to help regulate my hormones after that. One of which contributed to me gaining 25 lbs in 2.5 months.

My husband stuck with me through all of this mess. Any time I would forget and start to do too much and my body would get stressed, he would lovingly shut me down again. I am a bit hard headed and it takes me a long time to learn some concepts!

I also learned in the midst of this, that any exercise other than walking would instantly put my body into over-stressed mode. Which was really hard for me because, I love to exercise!

I learned some really tough lessons about myself in the midst of all of this...

I learned how to let go of my self imposed labels, as well as the ones that other people have placed on me.

I have learned how to truly relax and rest, so my body can heal.

I have relearned what feeling rested actually feels like!

The Lord has placed some really truly amazing and supportive friends in my path. They have not judged. They actually came down to where I was and helped to lift and build me up. They taught me some amazing self care skills. One even taught me the importance of napping, every single day. A concept that seemed so bazaar to me at first.

I am learning to let the perfection and the guilt go.

I have learned to rely more on my husband and what it really means to have a community of friends and family (blood related or not)

I learned about the Spoon Theory and how it really truly related to my life. This actually helped me a lot.

This article on cumulative stress was a real eye opener as well.

I learned to read my bible more and to rest in God for strength and answers.

 I have also learned that if I am doing just what God called me to do. I stay healthy. If I start to over reach and add onto what He called me to do, my health goes down hill fast. 
At first I resented this and was so upset and felt like a failure and 'less than'. I was angry with myself for not rising up to my own standards. I pushed against this for a long time.

 Now, I am realizing that God did not call me to do all of that! He called me to be a mother and wife. All of the rest, is just extra. Extra, that I am not called to do. 

 I now look at the little signs that I have done too much as a reminder that I probably wasn't called to do that particular thing, and I need to reevaluate things.

 I also learned how to let my children help.

 I had a lot of guilt over my short comings of mothering Anna. Then I realized that she has an entire houseful of siblings who adore her and love to help care for her. It was hard to relinquish some of her care to them. But they willingly stepped up and helped. 

They wanted our family to be whole and well again, just as much as Dustin and I did.
(I do still struggle with the fact that I have almost no memory of Anna's first year. Thankfully we did a lot of vlogging, and took a ton of pictures. Plus I have the children and Dustin to remind me of all the good stuff that happened. Even if I can't remember it.
I'm learning to be ok with not remembering that season of life. Maybe eventually it will come back to me. I do occasionally get this random flood of memories from her first year. It comes in a rush all at once.)
It took a little over 6 months of me actually learning and implementing these skills before I finally started to feel whole again. I felt it coming little by little. Then one day, when Anna was 19 months and 2 weeks old, I woke up and I felt WELL!!

Thank you for reading; Part 3 will be released next Monday.

~Lyndsay

7 Quick Takes! A Recap of Life in the Tiny House This Week! New Stove, Grandma's Are Magic and Why My Life is Like a Lauren Child Book!

 Welcome!

It's Friday! Woohoo! 

Oh wait, I'm a homeschooling mother to 4 kids, and I work from home.

 Why should I be excited for Friday?

 Oh, that's right!

 It's the day I fill you in on all the happenings going on here in tiny house homeschool world!

1. It's alive!!

The last few parts came in for Precious this week. Well, at least the last few to get her up and running. The amount of pride on Alex's face when it started up was priceless. She still needs a bit of work. Shortly after this picture was taken she started to leak from somewhere else.

 

Why do I get the feeling that this is the beginning to the never ending saga of keeping Precious running? I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. It's over 50 years old and  appears to have never been rebuilt until now.

2. Addison finally learned to ride her bike! 




We have been working off and on with Addison for a very long time, to teach her to ride her bike. She had some serious fears of falling off and or it going too fast. She was right on the verge of getting it, but was still afraid. Then Grandma came for a visit last Saturday. BOOM! Addison is riding her bike. Grandma apparently had that little bit of magic that gave her that final little nudge. It took Grandma five minutes to accomplish, what Dustin and I had been working on for months. Good job Grandma!
You can watch her if you would like. We took a video! It was a BIG deal. ;)

3. Out with the old. In with the new!

 Last week I shared with you about my oven dying.  I have been watching that oven die a slow and painful (for me) death since shortly after purchasing it. My frugal ways would not allow me to just go out and buy a new one. Despite the anxiety it produced while using it, day in and day out. When it did finally die I was just a bit relieved.
Then it hit me, I had to buy a new one. If you know me, and I mean really know me. I detest big purchases. Ever since we started our journey to become debt free, and even before that actually. The idea of making a large purchase makes my stomach churn. We finished our debt snowball in May of this year. We are officially debt free now! Also, apparently my buyers anxiety has went away as well. At least to an extent. (I will never be that person who loves to spend and shop without a purpose or without a need. It also helps that we strive to live on the minimalist side.)
I have never had more fun picking out an appliance. This was my first, big, post-debt purchase. It also was a zero compromise purchase. I got everything I could ever want in a stove, plus more...and it was still in the budget! Praise the Lord!
It's a self cleaning, five burner, convection oven. I think it might actually be smarter than I am. It has so many buttons and settings. I'm a bake, temp, broil kind of girl. This should be interesting.




 

















4. Taco
We have three local libraries that we frequent. They are linked together, so there is no confusion as to what book gets returned to where. *big deep sigh*
One location in particular is Anna's favorite. It has a kitchen! This child loves to play kitchen.She will spend hours bringing me random items and telling me what she made.

This is a taco!



5. The end of a season.

Emma's last cross country meet was last weekend. Her best time yet, 8:22 minute mile I'm so proud, and also so stinking happy that cross country has ended! We had zero appointments this week and have thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it.
I'm currently mentally blocking out the fact that basketball starts in two weeks. I will continue to live in blissful loose schedule land until the mass text for sign ups is sent out. 

He can't wait for ball to start!

Speaking of the end of a season. Now that cross country has ended and Addison is better, our schedule has been so open and free. We got a ton done this week! School, cleaning organizing. I had momentarily forgotten what it was like to be busy at home.
We also finally found the time to continue the twice yearly tiny house deep clean, organize and purge.  It was a good week!





6. Goofing off
We have been cutting back on eating out. Imagine the children's surprise when we grabbed them Mcd's this week. They were so happy they expressed it with cheeseburger smiles!





7. I will never, not ever, own a cat!

Sometime about a week and a half ago. This little kitty showed up on our front porch. I am typically not a cat fan. We get strays from time to time. Between the dog, the kids and the fact that we do not feed them, they go away fairly quickly. (It probably also has something to do with the blossoming coyote population. I wasn't joking when I told you we live in the woods.) 
We did the same thing with this little gal. We ignored her and expected her to head along her merry way. Nope. first she buddies up to the day. (So much for her guard dog capabilities.) 
Then the kids started petting her, and kicking around ideas for her name. I was still quite certain she was not staying.
Fast forward to this week. The cat had been absent for about a day. We assumed she had moved on. Then I get this picture from my husband.

 It appears that she managed to hitch a ride on one of our vehicles and ended up at our work. She got inside and must have spent the night in the garage. He found her on top of an ambulance engine, first thing in the morning.
The next thing I know, I have stopped everything I am doing and loaded up the kids to go get her. We are half way there before I realized "Crap. Now we own a cat!" It appears I am getting soft in my old age.
She now has a homemade cat house on the front porch, and the kids have been slipping her scraps of food. I pretend not to notice.

Yes, we own a cat now. Her name is Hobo.
(My life is starting to feel like a Lauren Child book. I will never, not ever, own a cat. Oh, wait, never mind.)

She sits right outside the window next to my desk and watches me type. As if she secretly knows I will someday like her. *facepalm*

 Happy Friday!

 ~Lyndsay

Mothering, Labels, Guilt, Exhaustion and Postpartum Anxiety Disorder, Part 1 Hop on the Merry-Go-Round

Part One: Hop on the Merry-Go-Round!

This is Part 1 of a 3 Part series.
 Part 2
 Part 3

** This has not been easy for me to write. It took many hours and an extra set of eyes to proofread. However, I wanted to put it out there because if it helps one person, then it has done its job.**

 I've been a mother for 12 years now. The first 10 of those years were spent going full speed ahead.

Stress, perfection and guilt were my main focus.

(For myself, not my children)

I grew up in a rather odd situation that was very heavy onto the guilt and perfection side. I watched it, I was taught it, I lived it, I became it. That ole family tree is hard to change.

I guess I can't blame myself for trying to be and do it all. Most of us mothers do. There are books and websites dedicated to the perpetuation and inevitable recovery of it. It is even the main theme to many, many movies. What once was the rare mother who felt the need to seek motherly perfection, has now become a pandemic of exhausted, malicious, scared and labeled women.

The Labels

The Labels are so much of a part of life now that it is who you are. You either pick your label and live up to it every moment, or they pick the label for you and you live the rest of your life/parenting career trying to fix it.

It is like a merry-go-round that we hop onto at the beginning of parenting and it seems fun. Then that merry-go-round turns into a hellish roller coaster ride that never ends.

While I could go on and on about labels, mommy wars, the perfect Proverbs 31 woman, everything wrong with all of that mind set. I'm not. At least not today.

Today I'm going to talk to you about ME, and how I fell apart after Anna was born. How my labels almost did me in. How Mommy perfection made me crumble. How exhaustion, guilt and anxiety made my body shut completely down.

The four years between Addison and Anna were very busy years. I was deep in the Mommy guilt, perfection land, which came along with many, many  "Musts".

The house Must be clean, always. We must make Mary and Martha proud.

The Children Must be well behaved (Because bad behavior is a reflection on my mothering skills.) The budget Must be perfect

The meals Must be healthy and have the most current popular label (Dairy free, gluten free, vegetarian, low carb, etc)

The detergent and all cleaning products Must be homemade.

As well as the bread, yogurts etc.

I Must lose 100 lbs

I Must be fit, modest, beautiful, capable....

I Must be a natural birth, cloth diaper, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping...mother. Any less might have been fine for some, but not for me.

I Must be a stay at home Mom but also work on the side helping the husband build our business.

Rest was for lazy people.  

The list went on and on..and once you picked up one 'Must" you couldn't drop it again. That was failure and I wasn't a quitter.
  (I also didn't ask my husband for help. He worked two jobs, One was nights..and I just did it myself. Asking for help meant I was failing and couldn't maintain my responsibilities. (I feel the need to mention that this was self-imposed, not from my husband.)

I managed to maintain most of that for a while. I Lost 91 lbs, became annoyingly fit, the house was clean, the bread was fresh, the kids were shiny and bright, Dustin quit his job and worked from home, we bought this house and started renovating on the side, all while homeschooling and maintaining EVERYTHING.

I can remember the exhaustion of early motherhood setting in when the oldest two were young. I learned to ignore it and medicate it with caffeine. You learn to adjust and just keep moving forward. You assume that the exhaustion is just a part of life. You can sleep when you die, rest is for quitters.

When I became pregnant with Anna I figured it was great. I can totally maintain all of that and do it bigger and better this time. While my pregnancy with her was the least high risk of them all.I still struggled and was frustrated that my body wasn't keeping up with my standards.

After I had Anna, (natural labor, of course) and it was a rather 'fast and violent' delivery. (The Dr's words, not mine. Looking back. I would agree.) I expected to just bounce back. I had this. I was Super Mom. Then things started to not go as I had planned.

Anna was not able to nurse. I ended up pumping full time and supplementing with donor milk and then eventually formula. This was a huge blow for me. I had nursed the first three and had built quite a tall pedestal for myself. Giving her formula and admitting that I couldn't do it, was REALLY hard.

I also decided that we didn't really need a break from school, ever. Especially after a baby. I was already sitting rocking a baby, We might as well be learning, RIGHT?! Sure!

This was also while Emma was at the height of her sickness and was up most nights coughing and unable to breathe.

I had Anna in September. In October a drunk driver crashed into our yard while the kids were outside playing. I had been having some anxiety after Anna was born. The drunk driving incident pushing my body over the edge.

It turned into full blown anxiety every single day. It wasn't something I was doing by worrying about things. I would just wake up every single morning feeling like I was having a panic attack. I did what any mother of the 21st century would do... I ignored it. Ate healthier, worked out. and just pretended it wasn't there. It would go away; it had to.

I'm sure you can imagine how that went. LOL

Surprisingly...I managed to keep it from my husband and most people who knew me. I really did think that it would eventually get better. I just had to keep doing the right stuff and moving forward. But no resting; that was for quitters. I could fix this with vitamins, vegetables, and staying really busy.

Looking back now..I really was being dumb. I was drowning on the inside, but convinced it would get better. I just had to try harder. *Facepalm* Life could not stop because of me. That was nonsense. I had people to raise and to care for.

In February all four of the kids had been sick off and on for months. I kid you not, one child fell sick during Thanksgiving and everyone was sick in cycles from there on out...if not everyone all at once.
 (Emma was still very, very sick. Scary sick, and we had no answers. We didn't begin to be able to find help for her until March.)  

That night in February, all of the girls were sick. Sleeping in the living room. I slept on the floor and made my rounds with the nebulizer. I hadn't actually slept in days. At 3 am, I did something I never do. I woke up my husband. He got up to help me. I can remember telling him how much I needed help. He thought I meant with the girls, which I did..but not completely. I was crying out for help. I was suffocating on the inside. I needed help, any help. I was drowning. But since I hadn't really mentioned all of my issues to him, he didn't fully understand. This was the beginning of me telling him how sick I was feeling.

After that night he did help to make sure I was getting more sleep and taking it a little easier.

But I didn't really do that. I was still just ignoring and trying to just keep moving.

Sometime after February, In April (I think. It is all a little fuzzy now. I cannot remember much at all from Anna's first year. That is hard for me to admit and accept.) My body started to deteriorate. Things started to go wrong. My hair was falling out. I was breaking out in hives, had constant diarrhea(For over 6 months straight), my stomach was always upset,  I started having allergic reaction-type episodes after eating vegetables, fruits and nuts, I was still having the anxiety, always feeling in a state of panic and my body was a constant mess of tension...never able to relax.

Then in one day in early June my throat shut down. I could still breathe, but I could not swallow. My throat muscles had clamped shut.  We didn't know what was going on. I thought it was an allergic reaction. We called 911. That was the first of two squad rides.

After that first squad ride...multiple dr visits, specialists, tests and medications followed. They said words like Thyroid Cancer, Oral Allergy Syndrome. An Epi-pen was my new constant companion. They never could give me answers, not conclusive ones..and it started to make me feel like I was losing my mind..but I never did manage to connect the anxiety with all of the other physical symptoms. I was living on chicken and rice, to avoid any trigger foods. Even with avoiding the trigger foods, I was still having all of the physical symptoms, including the throat tightening. I couldn’t even peel potatoes or be in the room when Dustin cut open a watermelon.

Finally in August, Dustin said I needed to consider the possibility that this was all combined and related and that we needed to start over at square one.

Thank you for reading; Part 2 will be released next Monday.

~Lyndsay

7 Quick Takes! A Recap of Life in the Tiny House This Week! Praises, Grilled Apple Pie and Real Life Large Family Mess!

 Happy Friday! How was your week? 

Ours was stressful, but it ended GREAT!  God is good all the time, and all the time God it good!

 

1. Praise 

 Addison's stitches came out this week. Test results came back too. It's not cancer! Praise the Lord!
Her lymph node did come back positive for infection and irregular inflammation. Apparently when she caught epstein barr virus back in May (Which we didn't find out until September. A level of 22 is considered high. Hers was 400, in September!) her immune system had trouble fighting it off and it decided to set up camp in her lymph nodes. Particularly in one certain one. That's the one they took out. It had started to change in it's feel, and they wanted it out for testing ASAP. The infection also showed up a couple of other ways on her body. We will still be working to resolve those as well. She will recover and be normal. That is all that matters.

 Parents, when you know something isn't right with you kids...ADVOCATE FOR THEM!!!!

That mother's intuition... is Jesus...listen to HIM. 

 We went to the Dr off and on all Summer for this and it took me finally putting my foot down and demanding they do something before they sent us forward to a specialist. By the time we got into the right specialist, they wanted it out on the very next surgery day.
Apparently there is a big link between epstein barr and childhood lymphoma.



2. Haircuts and cuteness

  While I usually cut the majority of the hair in the house..life has been crazy, and Anna's hair was starting to intimidate me.It was a seriously messy mop of half mullet and half curls. I just couldn't do it. Plus she is very anti sit still for Mommy, right now. Addison's hair was needing a stylist touch up also.
So I called up Shelli and she managed to fit them in this week. This is Anna's first time sitting in the big girl chair without Mommy.
Addison didn't hold still long enough after she finished for me to take a picture. That is typical health Addison, so I'll take it!



3. Appointments...

 I went back and looked. We have had no less than 15 appointments in the last 3.5 weeks.  I wasn't joking last week when I said there had been a lot of them. That is just doctor appointments. Not including co-op, cross country and other obligations.

 So. If you know us in real life and I was supposed to call you for a play date or a get together or to contact you for anything...that is why. I'm sorry. We are slowly getting back to normal around here. 

 I noticed this week that over 75% of our photos recently have been taken in a waiting room.

 

However, on a positive and slightly fun note. All of the kids (Anna not included, obviously) had eye Dr appointments this week. Which means, they all got to pick out new glasses!

She slept through the ENTIRE thing!

 I did too. Mine wasn't quite as fun though, The Dr walked in and say "So you're 32 now." A statement, not a question. I say yes, and then he does my exam.

He says "Looks good. All of your changes are typical for getting older." 

OUCH! Thanks a lot Doc!


In conclusion...I'm getting older and my four-eyed family will be styling some new frames in a couple of weeks.!




4. The pinning addiction has begun!
The is a copy of the post I made this week. 

 Emma just got Pinterest. It is too funny listening to her go "Oh man! That's a good idea!" Every five seconds.
The birth of the pinning addiction has begun! Starting her young.


5. A real life look at monthly shopping.

I have mentioned before that we do real life here. Messes, imperfections, they are a part of life. What help would I be giving to other moms if I hide it?  
Monthly shopping is definitely a new thing for me. I'm loving it though! It is really crazy, stressful and hectic for 1-2 days and then I don't have to deal with it again for a month.
While unloading this week, Emma suggested we take a picture to share. I should point out that some freezer stuff is already put away, and we had already went on a non food run the day before for household stuff. When we do it all in one big trip, you can barely walk through the house. But it all fits comfortably in our very small kitchen, and small deep freeze. Creativity is key. ;)

So here you go. Our real life mess, large family, monthly shopping style...









6. Things we ate this week.

 For some reason, the monthly meal planning has helped me to add in more new recipes. We have had a handful in the last couple months. Most of them were approved and asked to be made again. I only share and recommend things that work for us. So if I ever post something on here, then rest assured it is good stuff! ;)

Slow Cooker Sweet and Spicy Brown Sugar Pork

I really thought I had made a flop with this one. All through the meal people kept commenting on it being spicy. They kept going back for extra coleslaw and more water. At the end of the meal I apologized and told them I wouldn't make it again. To which everyone asked why and said how good it as?? I am not a fan of eating spicy food, but apparently they are. I already knew this about Dustin. Looks like the spicy gene got passed down. If you like something with a little heat, this is the recipe for you!

Cheesy Chicken Quesadilla's 

 My friend Angela  mentioned utilizing rotisserie chickens in her meal plan to save time . She also homeschools and does co-op and other similar things as our family. She also has 6 kids. When Angela talks, Lyndsay listens. ;)


 We typically grab a chicken while in Sam's club to have for dinner on the night we grocery shop for the month. Toss it with a salad and everyone is happy. But buying them specifically to cook/freezer cook with was a new idea that I hadn't exactly tried. There are tons of recipe ideas online. This one is the one we tried this week. It came together super quick and made a good bit more than the recipe implied. Which is always a bonus.
Dustin even asked for it to show up again in the meal plan sometime soon.  That my friends, is saying a lot!


Apple Butter and Apple Pie Filling!

  We canned apple butter and apple pie filling this week. It was our first attempt with the  pie filling. It didn't exactly specify how tightly to pack the apples in the jar. So we just kind of guessed. Next time we will pack more in there. The recipes turned out tasty though.  I'll be making more later this fall when the granny smith's come on. Also, Andy told me yesterday that he has another bushel of Fuji's for me. I'm picking those up today.
 Dustin if you are reading this..I have absolutely no idea where all these apples keep coming from, that keep showing up at the house. **Shrugs and winks over shoulder at readers.*

 

7. Apparently you CAN bake an apple pie on the grill.

  Shortly before we moved in here we went to Lowe's and bought  a set of kitchen appliances on sale. They are not all the same brand. They were on sale and fit our needs and budget, at that point in time. The fridge has been descent. The dishwasher is temper-mental  but gets the job done. The oven. Oh dear, the oven. This thing has given us issues the first three months of owning it. It is safe to say it is a lemon. The extra warranty wasn't much help either.
Well, it finally gave up the ghost this week. It just so happened to happen while Emma was prepping her first ever homemade pie crust. She was making an apple pie.
We did what any resourceful family did. We panicked for a few minutes. Then, we cooked it on the grill.

Turns out you can bake an apple pie on the grill! It was delicious!

 


I personally can not make a pie crust to save my life. Emma? She has the gift...it was amazing!


Dustin is still buying me a stove in the very immediate future though. Because the lack of stove thing is going to majorly eat into our monthly meal plan and budget.

Blessings!

~Lyndsay